My lack of focus and my constant eating and continual weight gain…
…has come to a head and I can now see that my weight gain over the past year is a symptom of depression.
I’m getting more and more down, not only about my weight, but about life in general. My recent life has been overpowered by the difficulties of living with a disability, rather than being helped along by a focus on what I can do and enjoy.
I knew my depression of 4 years ago had come back this week, when I found myself crying my eyes out behind my closed bedroom door- seemingly for no reason, and with an increasingly bleak outlook on life. Really sobbing. It saddens me that I have come back to this place, after having done so well over the last few years, and feeling that I’d left the depression behind for good.
It saddens me to think that an illness such as depression can have such an impact on my life and my goals and my ability to focus on what I want and need. But mainly there is a sense of sadness that at the moment, my life is not my own. My life is currently shared with an irrational and self-destructive mindset that sometimes overwhelms me.
Yesterday, I arranged some counselling. I can see that my weight gain is continuing, and I can see that I am getting more and more unhappy with each day that passes. I feel terribly sad that I have put 1 1/2 stone on-21lbs that took so long to lose and that was so hard to lose. I feel sad that I am almost back to where I started.
On Thursday, I see my dietician, and yet again, I will have gained weight. I am beginning to wonder whether I have an overeating disorder. I am beginning to wonder whether my dietician will refer me to an eating disorders clinic. I feel terribly sad about this- it is as though I have let myself down on some level.
I just hope (yet another hope) that once my counselling starts, I will be able to start addressing whatever issues I have that are hindering my weight loss.
I feel sad that my life is reduced to a thousand hopes that are unfulfilled. I feel sad that with all my trying, my life seems to be turning upside down and tangling into an intricate mess of failure and disorder.
I just feel sad.
