The big bad one four

14st0lbs

I knew I shouldn’t have stepped on the scales this evening. I knew it was a bad idea before I even did it. Fourteen stone!!! This is ridiculous. This must be the lowest point of my weight-loss journey so far. I’ve put on one and a half stone from my slimmest, and I’m nearly back to square one. I was 14st7lbs at my heaviest. Not so far to go before I’m back to that size!!!

Why am I doing this to myself? Last night I had a binge. A proper binge. 8 biscuits, 4 packets of snack-a-jacks popcorn, two flapjacks, two packs of crisps and a cereal bar. That was after my dinner. I didn’t need any of it, but I still ate it. Why? What on earth is wrong with me? And yesterday morning I’d got up and decided that I would follow a diet for one day. One day only, and I still blew it!

I KNOW it’s self-destructive to binge, I KNOW crisps and cakes are bad for me, I KNOW healthy food makes me feel better and more energised, I KNOW I’m happier when I’m losing weight and getting compliments, I KNOW I’m eating food my body doesn’t need, I KNOW I’m not hungry even when I’m eating that thing I have a compulsion to eat.

It’s all crap. I’m crap, dieting is crap, weight is crap, low self-esteem from being overweight is crap. And yet, I’m responsible for my size. I, I am the one that feeds myself, I am the one that pushes food I don’t need down my throat. I am the one that acknowledges that I’m not enjoying eating the third or fourth biscuit or packet of crisps.

Am I really that rubbish? Am I really that weak-willed and shallow that I give in to every craving I have and lull myself to sleep with mouthfull after mouthfull until I feel sick? Why do I do that? do I really hate myself that much, that I want to punish myself week after week at the scales with a gain? Do I really hate myself enough to overfill my body with junk food? Do I really hate myself that much that I want to carry on looking fat and feeling uncomfortable in too-small clothes, and getting indigestion from eating the wrong things?

Am I really that crap that I can’t respecct my body enough to look after it? I know exactly what I could and should be doing for my health. Believe me, I’ve probably read more dieting magazines and books than 50 people together. I know what foods support my health, and what foods don’t. I know every trick in the book, but I don’t USE the tricks. When it comes to it, I don’t care, I want food and I want unhealthy food.

When did my relationship with food get so warped? When did food become a comfort, a way to switch off, a way to let go and forget? When did food stop being fuel and start being an obsession? Why do I think like a fat person? Why do I prefer the fatty foods and see them as treats, treats to be had numerous times a day? Why can’t I eat only when I’m physically hungry instead of when I’m having cravings?  Why can’t I stop when I’ve had enough rather than eat and eat and eat and eat? Why can’t I make the right food decisions and why on earth can’t I choose foods that are supportive to my heath rather than detrimental to it?

I AM RUBBISH. I AM TOTALLY UTTERLY STUPIDLY RUBBISH. I need to get a grip, but I’ve been trying to get a grip for a year. And I’m failing to get a grip. I’m under a dietician, I go to Weightwatchers when I can. And I still can’t get a grip.

I’m USELESS. Totally USELESS. Utterly USELESS. I hate myself. I can’t even maintain a diet for a single day. What sort of crap is that. I can’t even eat healthily for a single day. I’ve tried dieting, I’ve tried ‘not dieting’, I’ve tried eating healthily, I’ve tried eating diet foods full of chemicals. But my head’s not in the right place.

But I’m panicking. I do NOT want to get back to my heaviest weight. I want to be slim, I want to be the old me, the me with a healthy relationship with food, the me that’s independant, the me that’s healthy, the me I was before I got ME and before I got depression from the frustration of having ME.

I want the motivation I used to have- I want the energy I used to have- I want to be able to get up an hour early each day and go jogging like I used to do before the ME, I want to cut my calories and diet properly without nearly fainting with fatigue like I do now, I want to be full of vitality instead of being constantly trembly and weak (a weakness that makes me want to eat). I want to be able to go to the gym, use the rower, the treadmill, feel the burn, get the endorphin high from being able to exercise and push myself. I want to go out and do things on my days off instead of lying on my bed exhausted and incapacitated. I want so much, and my illness has taken so much away from me.

No wonder I’m unhappy, no wonder I turn to food. Eating is one of the few things I can do. Eating is my way to feel good. My way of ‘treating’ myself. Eating is easy, it gives me energy. Everything else in my life takes my energy away.

Life with ME is hard. Right now, it feels very hard. It’s hard because my health stands in the way of my dreams. It’s hard because I feel ill most of the time, and when I feel ill nothing else matters. Not even losing weight. When I feel nauseous and shaky and my heart is racing and the room is spinning, carbs and sugar seem a very good idea indeed. Carrots and apples just don’t do it.

My heart is bleeding, It’s bleeding for the me I once was, the me that jogged every day, the motivated, energised, can-do me. In fact I guess what I need right now is a good cry. Perhaps I need to sit down and acknowledge that my life is hard. Maybe I need to allow myself to be struggling, maybe it’s ok to be weak and rubbish and a dieting failure, because I have good excuses. Maybe I should realise that I have good excuses. Maybe I should stop trying and maybe I should let myself balloon up into a size 24, and just not care, because I have excuses.

Maybe I should give in to my situation, and acknowledge that losing weight is a rubbish thing to do when you are ill, maybe I need to realise that I am too weak, to ill, too messed-up to be a successful dieter. But the tears running down my face make me think that that would be soul-destroying to give up. I don’t want to give up. It seems like an impossible mountain to climb, it seems like I have a wall of thick concrete to pull down, it seems like my whole life opposes me losing weight. That’s how I feel right now.

But I won’t give up.

Uh-oh!

Following on from my post on Wednesday, I now believe that my weight was wrong, it should have been 13.9. I think the helper read it wrong. Which of course means that I put on 4lbs rather than one.

The big shocker though, came last night when I stepped on the scales at home. I’m heavier at the weekend usually, but I was not at all impressed to see the scales reading 13.12. That is terrible!!

To get this into perspective, I started out at 14.7 and lost half a stone before joining a weightwatchers meeting. That was two years ago and the first weight on my card reads 13.13.5.

Yesterday, I was 13.12.

Two years of weightwatchers, and I have a 1.5lbs loss to show for it? This really, really isn’t at all good.

I know that only one person can change things. And that’s me. I know that I can make excuses, and I know that I can excuse myself because of my ME and low exercise tolerance. But I also know that, in spite of my challenges, I can make a difference to my weight.

I know that I can’t blame my over-eating on my ME, my mood or my lack of exercise. Sure, that’s WHY I overeat, but overeating is something I CAN change. I can’t change the fact that I have a disability, I can’t change the fact that I have challenges to face, but I CAN change what I eat. And I CAN change how much I eat, and when I eat.

Bustin outta my clothes!!!

Oh dear!!! Does someone have a wonder-pill that could give me my motivation, drive and energy back? Answers on a postcard please!

I’ve not dared to step on the scales for a week or so- but if the fit of my clothes are anything to go buy, I should be getting seriously worried by now. If it were not for the fact that it’s impossible, I would seriously be questioning whether I really AM pregnant! No, really. My belly is expanding to ginormous proportions.

I really, really, have tried everything to get my motivation back. I’m forever dreaming up some new tactic, some new tool, some new plan, to lose this weight, but for some reason I have no focus. I have no drive, where I once had complete and utter drive and determination and focus to do this.

Oh, I have my plans alright. I have the timeframe I set myself to be at my goal, I have the visualisation of how I will look and feel when I get there down to a T. But I just.aint.getting.there. At all.

I know exactly what I need to do to get to my goal. I have all the tools and instructions and support I could ever ask for, and what’s more, I know it works. But one thing is missing, and that’s the most important thing. Somewhere between my ears, it just aint happening.

There’s never been a more determined person than I am. Determined to do this, I mean. So what needs to happen? I know what I’d like to do. I’d like to hit the gym day after day, and eat half of what I’m eating right now. But I can’t. If I don’t eat enough I get hypoglycaema, and if I exercise I quickly become bedbound.

But am I making excuses? I CAN lose weight, in SPITE of my difficulties. I know it can be done because I lost over 2 stone a year or so ago. I just need to buckle down and DO IT.

JUST DO IT!!!

 

 

Motivation for change

I think anyone thinking about enhancing their health or losing weight should take a look at Pete Cohen’s  Ultimate anti-health plan It’s a powerful way of thinking about the consequences of your actions and spurring you on to change.

We all know that food can affect us, but it’s so easy to know the facts- and yet not make the changes we need to make in order to feel healthier.

When you have a chronic health problem, it seems even harder sometimes to find the energy and motivation to change. When you are feeling completely and utterly ill, the last thing on your mind is ‘deprivation’. And I guess that’s where the problem arises.

We think of eating healthily as ‘deprivation’. I mean, how mixed-up is that? Somewhere, we have been wired to see the chocolate, cakes, ice-cream and crisps as some kind of ‘treat’ that we ‘deserve’. And to see the ‘healthy’ foods as the boring and bland option.

What if you had, say, a chocolate bar and an apple sitting in front of you. And you could have them both? Would you eat the chocolate first and leave the apple behind? Until the apple got all wrinkly and you had to throw it away?

So how can we turn things round to realising that making nutritious, wholesome food choices is in fact the biggest treat we can ever award ourselves? How can we start to believe that our bodies deserve to be fueled with energy- and vitality-giving foods?

How can we start to make the choices that will not only help us lose weight but also feel better health-wise?

Is cold-turkey the answer? Anyone who has ever tried a restrictive diet will tell you that it doesnt work like that- you end up craving the very thing you are denying yourself- until you give in and eat that ‘forbidden’ food like there’s no tomorrow.

But what if it wasn’t forbidden?

What if you saw that apple and chocolate, and you asked yourself, ‘do I want to feel energised and cleansed (apple) or wired and ravenous (chocolate)?’

And what if you could have some chocolate without feeling hungry the second the last crumb was gone? how could you do that? How about making a rule that for every piece of chocolate you eat, you had to have the apple FIRST?

Then you’d feel fuller, you might not even fancy the chocolate afterwards (who am I kidding?), and you would feel satisfied after having much less chocolate.

Worth a try?

Total meltdown

I’m sat here with tears rolling down my cheeks. The enormity of the task ahead is totally freaking me out. I have 3 1/2 stone to loose (an estimate because I havent weighed myself for two weeks).

I felt so ready earlier on this week and yet today I am seriously doubting my ability to do this. Even to lose a pound. I know its a silly mindset because Ive lost 2 stone in the last few years, I know I can do it. Its just a shame about the stone thats gone back on.

With the ME monsters comes a feeling of not coping. Sometimes I dont have the energy to do anything more than survive. That sounds quite stark but when you are really seriously ill you can’t think much beyond the here and now. Sadly, depression is part and parcel of many chronic health conditions as well as being common in people who are overweight. And depression doesnt make it at all easy to focus on losing weight.

I’ve decided not to go to weightwatchers this week. Obviously I’m trying to do too much too soon and the feeling of being out of my depth is a common one when my ME can’t handle being ill as well as trying to lose weight.

So I’ve got a change of plan.

• weigh myself at home today
• take myself to a local park with a packed lunch, some books and magazines and a notebook
• sit under a tree and spend hours and hours alone with myself and surrounded by nature
• focus on all the things I can do to nurture myself, both with and without food
• create a gentle template of the 5 most important things I could be doing to support myself right now.

I feel calmer already. 

 

Time to get serious methinks

Well, not so much weight loss happening recently, as weight gain! Not quite what I had planned. But neither is it going to put me off or have me giving up. The giver-uppers are the people who don’t get to goal.

And I’m going to get to goal.

I’ve had another health crisis recently. My ME is still complaining bitterly, but I’m beginning to pick up again.

Thing is, I know that eating healthily and being good to my body helps my ME. But when I’m knackered and feeling rubbish, its those very healthy options that seem so uninviting. I really really have to get past this.

I bought a book recently called the Chronic Fatigue Healing Diet by Christine Craggs-Hinton. It is written specifically for people with ME/CFS and I read it through in one sitting. There was a lot of good stuff in it, but I’m specifically looking at increasing my intake of nuts and seeds to start with. So I bought bags of nuts and seeds and portion-divided them into 1 point portions. And I’ve been munching away ever since. I certainly feel healthier for it.

I’m also re-reading The Food Doctor by Ian Marber. I’ve figured that rather than ‘dieting’, I should be taking a far more holistic approach and addressing my particular health needs. So I’ve written up a list of my weakest points (blood sugar management, food intolerances and mood stability) and am looking at ways to address these in my diet.

I’m psyching myself up for Wednesday this week- the start of the new me. And this time, if I am going to get to goal by December, I need to be in earnest and just DO it. No more excuses and no more tipping junk into my belly. Each excuse I come to has to be met head-on and RESOLVED. If I’m worn out and need comfort food, then it will be nourishing comfort-food. If I’m getting the shakes then it will be low GI food. If I’m feeling low then it will be mood-enhancing food.

And junk will no longer be the ‘answer’ to my tiredness, illness or anything else. I’m going to move away from ‘dieting’- with all those lovely sweeteners and chemicals that involves, and move onto ‘eating for health’- with all the wholesome ingredients and health-giving nutrients THAT involves.

I can do this. I can be good to my body. I can support my health with my diet.

Roll on (weigh-day) Wednesday!