slow progress

I’m very slowly beginning to make changes to my eating. For some reason, even though I am very clear that I want to lose this weight, and feel a whole load better about myself and health, there is some kind of reluctance deep down to get into things again. I guess that’s partly because I am unwell and eating is an easy way to ‘treat’ myself. At the time it feels like a treat anyway… for some reason in the moment, all I can think of is the enjoyment I will get from eating, and only regret it later when the scales show a gain.

I’ve started doing a food diary again. It seems to be helping me to see exactly how much I am eating. I’ll be sharing it with my friend tomorrow. He’s agreed to be my mentor because I’ve realised that since I left weightwatchers, I’ve lacked the structure that I seem to need in order to keep persevering with this journey. I seem to need structure in order to keep me focussed, and he has agreed to help me with that.

Day two of the food diary,  yesterday, I went to Sainsburys and bought two 6-packs of crisps on special offer. As always, I promised myself this time would be different… and as always this time wasn’t different… at all! Last night I ate 7 packets of crisps. I know! SEVEN!!!! And I wonder why losing weight is so hard!

One of the weightwatchers habits from their 2005 Switch handbook is to learn from experience. I think the time has come to learn that lesson. Crisps are my downfall… I really shouldnt be buying them… and definately not in bulk. I wonder if I should write a huge banner ‘no crisps!!!’ and put it somewhere prominent! Though on the other hand, seeing the word crisps all the time would probably have the opposite effect! Oh well! I will just have to try and be good about that one. The words ’self control’ some to mind…

…I wonder if you can buy self control in the shops?

Rocky road

It’s been a really tough few months since I last posted. I am now weighing in at 14 stone 12 pounds… not only is this a gain, but I am now heavier than I have ever been in my life.

Sometimes it all seems so hopeless- everything seems to be a struggle. I’ve been through so much recently health-wise, my ME relapse seems to be here to stay, I’m now off sick yet again, it’s all such a struggle to just cope with the day-to-day demands of living with a disability.

I am beginning to wonder what the future holds- whether I’ll ever be fully fit for work again, or whether I’ll have to resign from the job I love. Money is a worry. My whole life seems like a huge mountain at the moment. It all seems impossible.

But, I keep trying. One day it will pay off, I know. I just have to be patient, and look after myself, and go with the flow for a while.

GI Diet?

I’ve got a second week off sick though I’m beginning to feel a lot better.

Now that I feel more in control of things, my thoughts have turned (yet again) to my weight, and I have settled on a new food plan to try and shift these stones.

I’ve done a lot of reading recently about mood and energy, and most of the literature points to low GI foods as a good moderator of both. So I’ve decided to go on the GI diet. Today is my first day, and so far, so good.

One thing the GI diet allows which the Weightwatchers core plan doesn’t, is bread. And that’s a big deal in this house where I often sit down to meals prepared by my mum, where bread is the base of the meal. Hopefully this is the answer!!!

Picking up the pieces

Since my last post, I’ve been keeping a low profile as far as weight is concerned. It is as though I’ve become so saturated by the dieting world that I’ve reached a point of feeling completely worn out and disillusioned by it. Everything I’m reading now tells me that only 5% of people diet sucessfully. Do I really want to be among the 95% of failed dieters? Do I really want to be a dieter? I’m not sure I do.

All the common sense and healthy guidelines point firmly away from diets and towards healthy eating. Surely eating healthily can’t be that hard? Surely respecting my body with wholesome foods can’t be that awful? Surely listening to my body isn’t as bad as all that?

I am exhausted- my ME is flaring up as a result of my depression, I’ve been off work all week and am beginning to feel fed up of being at home. And sometimes I stop and look at myself and think- wow, I’m just not looking after myself am I? I’m just not helping myself at all. Since when did crisps and cake become so desirable that I feed myself with them even when I’m not hungry… and, dare I say it, don’t actually want to eat them?

I realise that, as ever, I am in control of what goes into my mouth. And I realise that various behaviour and thought patterns are proving unhelpful right now. I just hope I can value myself enough to make changes.

And the changes have already begun. My desk has a pile of satsumas, plums and nectarines, all looking plump and juicy in their bowls. I have soya yoghurts ready for snack-attacks, plus I made a low fat flapjack this morning which is really filling.

I guess it’s all about being prepared- having the right things readily available so that when the hunger (or cravings) strike, I have the right answers sitting in front of me.

Onwards and upwards, as they say.

Depressed

My lack of focus and my constant eating and continual weight gain…

…has come to a head and I can now see that my weight gain over the past year is a symptom of depression.

I’m getting more and more down, not only about my weight, but about life in general. My recent life has been overpowered by the difficulties of living with a disability, rather than being helped along by a focus on what I can do and enjoy.

I knew my depression of 4 years ago had come back this week, when I found myself crying my eyes out behind my closed bedroom door- seemingly for no reason, and with an increasingly bleak outlook on life. Really sobbing. It saddens me that I have come back to this place, after having done so well over the last few years, and feeling that I’d left the depression behind for good.

It saddens me to think that an illness such as depression can have such an impact on my life and my goals and my ability to focus on what I want and need. But mainly there is a sense of sadness that at the moment, my life is not my own. My life is currently shared with an irrational and self-destructive mindset that sometimes overwhelms me.

Yesterday, I arranged some counselling. I can see that my weight gain is continuing, and I can see that I am getting more and more unhappy with each day that passes. I feel terribly sad that I have put 1 1/2 stone on-21lbs that took so long to lose and that was so hard to lose. I feel sad that I am almost back to where I started.

On Thursday, I see my dietician, and yet again, I will have gained weight. I am beginning to wonder whether I have an overeating disorder. I am beginning to wonder whether my dietician will refer me to an eating disorders clinic. I feel terribly sad about this- it is as though I have let myself down on some level.

I just hope (yet another hope) that once my counselling starts, I will be able to start addressing whatever issues I have that are hindering my weight loss.

I feel sad that my life is reduced to a thousand hopes that are unfulfilled. I feel sad that with all my trying, my life seems to be turning upside down and tangling into an intricate mess of failure and disorder.

I just feel sad.

Really trying

13st11
stayed the same this week
10lbs lost
3st11lbs to go

I was pleased that I stayed the same this week. Wouldn’t that be great if this marked a plateau, a turning point, and that i started to get it together and start to lose again?!

I’m still feeling quite low and quite despondent about my weight. But I’ve realised that comfort eating is a huge factor in this. So I’ve come to the conclusion that I need to try to concentrate on increasing my wellbeing and supporting my emotions rather than be continually beating myself up and thinking of bad foods and good foods and all that stuff.

So I’m making a positive effort to do more of the things I enjoy- such as photography, art and craft, and getting out twise a week for a walk. The walks are great- they really ground me and of course by being more active I’m also burning calories and beginning to build muscle.

Sure, it’s a small start- my ME means I walk very slowly, but I think the sense of wellbeing it produces is definately healing and supportive. I went for a walk yesterday. Only for an hour, and after I was exhausted. But I enjoyed it and felt more engaged and connected than I have done for a while.

The downside of this was that, having spent my day’s energy on a small walk, I didn’t make it to weightwatchers yet again. But I think that right now, with all this beating-up of myself, going to meeting really isn’t particularly affirming or constructive. I would only have felt a failure, sitting there knowing how much weight I’d gained since my last visit.

Instead I was walking round the woods, focussed on making art, and on being good to myself.

We’ll see if this increased activity and focus on my creative side reduces my need to comfort-eat.

 

 

Change of heart

This post comes so soon after my previous one. I wanted to record how I’m feeling now.

After writing the post below I fell apart emotionally, burst into tears and spent a good half hour beating myself up and feeling ashamed of myself. I was quite surprised at my strength of feeling, and at just how quickly I can change from feeling fine to hating myself. But I felt that my feelings should come out. I felt it was necesary to have my cry, to reach out to my friend and on the weightwatchers forum. And I’m glad I did.

Now all the rubbishness has been vented. I still feel low but I don’t hate myself anymore. I recognise that hating myself isn’t constructive. I recognise that I cannot move forwards if I am ashamed and saying hurtful things to myself. I recognise that I am more than an overweight body. I recognise that my weight is just a small part of who I am. Actually I am welling up again, because I am talking about being kind to myself and accepting my limitations. I am upset, but I’ve decided to channel that upset and disapointment into change.

I emailed my weightwatchers leader. I told her how I felt, that I’d lost my way and couldnt see how I could do this. I texted my friend, and got some supportive, understanding and empowering replies. And I posted on the weightwatchers forum. All those actions helped me to regroup and reassess.

Weight loss isn’t impossible. Hard, maybe, but not impossible. I hope I can use this feeling of sadness and disappointment to make a new start. I still feel like crying my eyes out but I know I can be strong and that one day I will overcome the issues that are keeping me overweight.

These knocks and upsets just make me stronger. I don’t give up. And so long as I don’t give up, there is the possibility that I can lose this weight. The people who lose the weight are the ones that don’t give up. I’m going to be one of them, however hard it is, however long it takes.

That’s more like it.

Fruity mush

13st11
3lb gained this week
10lbs lost
3st11lbs to go

My weight wasn’t too bad today. 3lbs lighter than at the beginning of the week. Just goes to show that weighing yourself more than once a week is a disaster waiting to happen!!

I had an ME appointment today so didnt get to WW yet again. If I’m honest, I’m not looking forawrd to going back to WW. There’s going to be a big gain ont he cards and I’m going to feel really rubbish about that. But I know I need the weekely support from somewhere!

I went shopping today. I bought 4 packs of frozen berries and cherries, and some fresh fruit. No crisps or biscuits in sight. I feel quite virtuous!!! The plan is to use the fruit in a daily smoothie which I’ll make mid-afternoon when I usually eat all the rubbish in the house.

In order to make the smoothie idea more of a treat, I’ve bought a pretty tumbler and some straws so I feel like each smoothie is something ultra special. That’s the theory anyway!!!

Papaya and mango smoothie anyone? Or would you rather cherry and apple? Or summer fruits and banana?

All in all, I think I’m in a far more positive mindset today, which can only be a good thing. And I only ate one packet of crisps today too!