Banana crisps? not quite what I have in mind...

I met up with E yesterday, and showed him my food diary for the last three days. I think doing a food diary is so important… and it also was really useful to have someone else look at it. What jumped out at us was the volume of crisps I’d eaten in three days. I’m almost ashamed to admit to it… 11 packets! I was shocked. We decided that this was my most pressing issue, so E has set me the goal of only one pack a day. He (rightly, he is very wise!) felt that it was better to reduce rather than cut them out because I need to learn to be in control of eating crisps. If I cut them out, there would come a point where I couldnt hold out any longer and I’d just go on a crisp binge and be back to square one.

He’s right. All these experts who are against dieting say that dieting fails because we feel deprived. Going cold turkey is going to make me feel deprived, then if I break the cold turkey, classic dieter behaviour is to then go ‘oh well, I’ve broken the diet, I’ll just have some more and re-start the diet tomorrow. Then follows a huge crisp binge because tomorrow I won’t be able to have them anymore, ‘ever’, and so I must eat as many as possible NOW. Which is unhealthy behaviour and isn’s helpful in any way.

Soooo… reduction in volume is the key. I was actually talking to a friend with ME about bingeing on crisps and chocolate the other day. I was surprised that I came up with so many ideas to reduce the crisp habit. I’ll put what I wrote below because the time has come to practice what I preach!

plan a snack for certain times. If you know you have one planned, you are less likely to go down the ‘unplanned eating’ route. If you have the munchies before snack time, you can tell yourself ‘aha, i have a snack at # O’clock, thats only an hour away’, then you can look forward to and visualise that snack and once you have eaten it, you will consciously know that you’ve had it.

I tend to find that unplanned eating keeps on going because I didnt start out with a plan to eat it, so it kindof becomes ‘off the record’ eating and for some reason its then soooo much easier to munch mindlessly through piles of food.

Another thing to do is to put your planned snack on a plate… that way you have predetermined how much you will eat and your brain will eke that snack out for longer. Im not sure about you, but when I binge, I tend to just be putting stuff in my mouth that I hardly even want anymore but theres this compulsion to carry on because its there beside me and it isnt finished yet. By putting it on a plate, and keeping anything else firmly in a cupboard, you then behave as though it is a mini-meal. and finish the plate instead of the multipack… *ahem… yes thats what i did last night!!!* 

I find that with crisps and chocolate, it only takes one bite and I want to finish off all the junk food in the house. A good plan to overcome this if you still want to eat them, is to, again, have a predetermined amount, but then have something filling afterwards, like porridge, or a banana… to fill you up and kind of break that sudden urge to eat until you are full… coz crisps and chocolate take a VERY long time to fill you up… *hence the multipack incident * so your planned snack would be a controlled amount of the foods you usually turn to, followed quickly by a predetermined filler to get you to the full point BEFORE you’ve finished off a whole day’s worth of calories without feeling satisfied.

Alternatively, if having the filler after the 1st portion of junk food doesnt work, then it would appear that the planned snack will have to be something satisfying and healthy(ish) so that you dont get the initial trigger to eat the junk food. I’m thinking a banana, oatcake with peanut butter on, small bowl of porridge, slice of toast and choc spread, a hot choc drink… something small thats interesting enough for you to look forward to, that youcan prepare, put on a plate, and treat like the mini meal to avoid the junk raid afterwards.

So… in order to be sucessful in my plan to stick to one pack of crisps a day, it looks like I will have to have something else after the crisps to signal that I am full. I’m thinking a banana… 

I’m very slowly beginning to make changes to my eating. For some reason, even though I am very clear that I want to lose this weight, and feel a whole load better about myself and health, there is some kind of reluctance deep down to get into things again. I guess that’s partly because I am unwell and eating is an easy way to ‘treat’ myself. At the time it feels like a treat anyway… for some reason in the moment, all I can think of is the enjoyment I will get from eating, and only regret it later when the scales show a gain.

I’ve started doing a food diary again. It seems to be helping me to see exactly how much I am eating. I’ll be sharing it with my friend tomorrow. He’s agreed to be my mentor because I’ve realised that since I left weightwatchers, I’ve lacked the structure that I seem to need in order to keep persevering with this journey. I seem to need structure in order to keep me focussed, and he has agreed to help me with that.

Day two of the food diary,  yesterday, I went to Sainsburys and bought two 6-packs of crisps on special offer. As always, I promised myself this time would be different… and as always this time wasn’t different… at all! Last night I ate 7 packets of crisps. I know! SEVEN!!!! And I wonder why losing weight is so hard!

One of the weightwatchers habits from their 2005 Switch handbook is to learn from experience. I think the time has come to learn that lesson. Crisps are my downfall… I really shouldnt be buying them… and definately not in bulk. I wonder if I should write a huge banner ‘no crisps!!!’ and put it somewhere prominent! Though on the other hand, seeing the word crisps all the time would probably have the opposite effect! Oh well! I will just have to try and be good about that one. The words ‘self control’ some to mind…

…I wonder if you can buy self control in the shops?

It’s been a while… a very long while.

I weighed myself yesterday. I was 16 stone 9. And I wasn’t surprised. I’ve been gaining steadily right through my relapse. The biggest relapse of my life. I’ve been off work for 5 months now. Five months of struggle, struggle to get better, to eat well, to keep positive. And I say struggle, because a lot of the time I haven’t managed those things.

During this time, I’ve turned my back on dieting. My naturopath suggested a book called ‘Intuitive eating’. It reinforced the messages that I first recieved from Pete, of listening to my body, heeding my hunger signals, and, crucially, stopping eating when full. That book started a subtle shift in my focus, away from weightwatchers and traditional diets, towards a much more, yes, intuitive process of listening to the innate, but supressed, wisdom of my body.

In spite of this, I still found it incredibly difficult to stop eating when full, and to avoid eating when not hungry. At a certain point of despair, I posted on my ME support group forum, and a few friends suggested I try the Paul McKenna method.

Paul’s principles run along the same lines as those of Pete and the authors of Intuitive Eating. But five weeks in, I was, yet again, knowing the principles, but not really adhering to them. I was aware that I was full, but carried on eating. And I was aware that I started eating quite often BEFORE I was hungry.

So… I decided that as of today, I would start sharing my journey again. I am taking advantage of a slight improvement in my energy levels, which seems to be SO key in my life. Without the energy, my brain doesn’t want to function, my body is tired, and changing my habits is the last thing on my mind.

So here I am. Feel free to join me in the ride.

Sometimes it all seems so hopeless- everything seems to be a struggle. I’ve been through so much recently health-wise, my ME relapse seems to be here to stay, I’m now off sick yet again, it’s all such a struggle to just cope with the day-to-day demands of living with a disability.

I am beginning to wonder what the future holds- whether I’ll ever be fully fit for work again, or whether I’ll have to resign from the job I love. Money is a worry. My whole life seems like a huge mountain at the moment. It all seems impossible.

But, I keep trying. One day it will pay off, I know. I just have to be patient, and look after myself, and go with the flow for a while.

After 3 days on the GI diet, I’m feeling a lot more positive that I can do this. Out of interest, I tallied up the points of the food I ate on Monday and Tuesday this week- and was pleasantly surprised to find that I averaged at 23 points- just one above what Weightwatchers suggests I should be eating at the moment.

Last week, it was a different story- I was eating an average of 34.5 points a day. And on points, I was continually hungry and craving more and more junk, while on the GI plan, my cravings are almost gone, and I haven’t felt hungry since I started.

Sooo… everything is looking positive for a good outcome at my next weigh-in.

I am having one problem though- I’m getting a lot of aches around my joints and in my muscles, and I’m wondering if that has something to do with the fact I’m detoxing from all the crisps and cakes I had been eating recently. Interestingly enough, today I did an ‘experiment’ and ate a cake and two packets of crisps, and 3 crumpets… and the aches have subsided. Weird but true!

Anyway… here’s to next week. Let’s see if I can keep up the good work and see the scales shift!

Now that I feel more in control of things, my thoughts have turned (yet again) to my weight, and I have settled on a new food plan to try and shift these stones.

I’ve done a lot of reading recently about mood and energy, and most of the literature points to low GI foods as a good moderator of both. So I’ve decided to go on the GI diet. Today is my first day, and so far, so good.

One thing the GI diet allows which the Weightwatchers core plan doesn’t, is bread. And that’s a big deal in this house where I often sit down to meals prepared by my mum, where bread is the base of the meal. Hopefully this is the answer!!!

All the common sense and healthy guidelines point firmly away from diets and towards healthy eating. Surely eating healthily can’t be that hard? Surely respecting my body with wholesome foods can’t be that awful? Surely listening to my body isn’t as bad as all that?

I am exhausted- my ME is flaring up as a result of my depression, I’ve been off work all week and am beginning to feel fed up of being at home. And sometimes I stop and look at myself and think- wow, I’m just not looking after myself am I? I’m just not helping myself at all. Since when did crisps and cake become so desirable that I feed myself with them even when I’m not hungry… and, dare I say it, don’t actually want to eat them?

I realise that, as ever, I am in control of what goes into my mouth. And I realise that various behaviour and thought patterns are proving unhelpful right now. I just hope I can value myself enough to make changes.

And the changes have already begun. My desk has a pile of satsumas, plums and nectarines, all looking plump and juicy in their bowls. I have soya yoghurts ready for snack-attacks, plus I made a low fat flapjack this morning which is really filling.

I guess it’s all about being prepared- having the right things readily available so that when the hunger (or cravings) strike, I have the right answers sitting in front of me.

Onwards and upwards, as they say.

…has come to a head and I can now see that my weight gain over the past year is a symptom of depression.

I’m getting more and more down, not only about my weight, but about life in general. My recent life has been overpowered by the difficulties of living with a disability, rather than being helped along by a focus on what I can do and enjoy.

I knew my depression of 4 years ago had come back this week, when I found myself crying my eyes out behind my closed bedroom door- seemingly for no reason, and with an increasingly bleak outlook on life. Really sobbing. It saddens me that I have come back to this place, after having done so well over the last few years, and feeling that I’d left the depression behind for good.

It saddens me to think that an illness such as depression can have such an impact on my life and my goals and my ability to focus on what I want and need. But mainly there is a sense of sadness that at the moment, my life is not my own. My life is currently shared with an irrational and self-destructive mindset that sometimes overwhelms me.

Yesterday, I arranged some counselling. I can see that my weight gain is continuing, and I can see that I am getting more and more unhappy with each day that passes. I feel terribly sad that I have put 1 1/2 stone on-21lbs that took so long to lose and that was so hard to lose. I feel sad that I am almost back to where I started.

On Thursday, I see my dietician, and yet again, I will have gained weight. I am beginning to wonder whether I have an overeating disorder. I am beginning to wonder whether my dietician will refer me to an eating disorders clinic. I feel terribly sad about this- it is as though I have let myself down on some level.

I just hope (yet another hope) that once my counselling starts, I will be able to start addressing whatever issues I have that are hindering my weight loss.

I feel sad that my life is reduced to a thousand hopes that are unfulfilled. I feel sad that with all my trying, my life seems to be turning upside down and tangling into an intricate mess of failure and disorder.

I just feel sad.

I was pleased that I stayed the same this week. Wouldn’t that be great if this marked a plateau, a turning point, and that i started to get it together and start to lose again?!

I’m still feeling quite low and quite despondent about my weight. But I’ve realised that comfort eating is a huge factor in this. So I’ve come to the conclusion that I need to try to concentrate on increasing my wellbeing and supporting my emotions rather than be continually beating myself up and thinking of bad foods and good foods and all that stuff.

So I’m making a positive effort to do more of the things I enjoy- such as photography, art and craft, and getting out twise a week for a walk. The walks are great- they really ground me and of course by being more active I’m also burning calories and beginning to build muscle.

Sure, it’s a small start- my ME means I walk very slowly, but I think the sense of wellbeing it produces is definately healing and supportive. I went for a walk yesterday. Only for an hour, and after I was exhausted. But I enjoyed it and felt more engaged and connected than I have done for a while.

The downside of this was that, having spent my day’s energy on a small walk, I didn’t make it to weightwatchers yet again. But I think that right now, with all this beating-up of myself, going to meeting really isn’t particularly affirming or constructive. I would only have felt a failure, sitting there knowing how much weight I’d gained since my last visit.

Instead I was walking round the woods, focussed on making art, and on being good to myself.

We’ll see if this increased activity and focus on my creative side reduces my need to comfort-eat.

After writing the post below I fell apart emotionally, burst into tears and spent a good half hour beating myself up and feeling ashamed of myself. I was quite surprised at my strength of feeling, and at just how quickly I can change from feeling fine to hating myself. But I felt that my feelings should come out. I felt it was necesary to have my cry, to reach out to my friend and on the weightwatchers forum. And I’m glad I did.

Now all the rubbishness has been vented. I still feel low but I don’t hate myself anymore. I recognise that hating myself isn’t constructive. I recognise that I cannot move forwards if I am ashamed and saying hurtful things to myself. I recognise that I am more than an overweight body. I recognise that my weight is just a small part of who I am. Actually I am welling up again, because I am talking about being kind to myself and accepting my limitations. I am upset, but I’ve decided to channel that upset and disapointment into change.

I emailed my weightwatchers leader. I told her how I felt, that I’d lost my way and couldnt see how I could do this. I texted my friend, and got some supportive, understanding and empowering replies. And I posted on the weightwatchers forum. All those actions helped me to regroup and reassess.

Weight loss isn’t impossible. Hard, maybe, but not impossible. I hope I can use this feeling of sadness and disappointment to make a new start. I still feel like crying my eyes out but I know I can be strong and that one day I will overcome the issues that are keeping me overweight.

These knocks and upsets just make me stronger. I don’t give up. And so long as I don’t give up, there is the possibility that I can lose this weight. The people who lose the weight are the ones that don’t give up. I’m going to be one of them, however hard it is, however long it takes.

That’s more like it.